Kate Shepard: you don't want to mess.
It’s tough being a girl. Your superiors don’t take you seriously and your crew won’t stop hitting on you. The armour never fits right and your squadmates keep asking if you know how to handle that weapon. You can’t even get from the Bridge to the Med Bay without the eye of every gunner and nav officer turning your way. I got sick of it; I’d had enough. It’s why I decided to become the biggest bitch the galaxy has ever seen.
It started on Eden Prime. Private Jenkins was in my away team; the bastard had just that morning been spreading rumours amongst the ship about me and my last shore leave. Barely a minute after landing he gets cut to ribbons by recon drones. That was convenient, thinks I, and in the ensuing firefight over his dead body I make sure to accidentally leave a few rounds in him to make sure he won’t be spreading anything ever again. Kaiden seems upset but I tell him to harden the fuck up keep moving. We leave Jenkins’ body; the Normandy should fly faster with less dead weight on board.
Pink Ranger begs me for help.
Just when I think my luck is taking a turn for the better some chick in what looks like a Pink Ranger outfit from a techno version of Power Rangers comes running up to us crying about how her whole unit is dead. I immediately dislike her; she’s weak, she’s whining and she’s wearing pink – a colour that really doesn’t work when trying to camouflage. I tell her to piss off but Kaiden objects, thinking she might be useful as she knows the area. Big deal; I have a giant overhead map with a big flashing icon of where I need to go – I don’t need this prissy little cheerleader slowing me down! But, if we’re going to get shot at again, chances are the bad guys will shoot at the thing that doesn’t blend in with the scenery first. In that regard, I cheerfully allow her to join us. We make it through the mission alive. Unfortunately, so does Pink Ranger.
Upon returning to the Citadel I get yelled at by some politicians, all the while fighting the urge to kick ‘em in the balls. On my way to find somewhere to get Pink Ranger distracted by a shiny object and Kaiden distracted by skimpy blue aliens – so I can down a stiff drink in peace – I come across a bird-faced Turian arguing with his superior. I immediately take a liking to this guy; he’s spent his life in a formalised military institution and is sick of taking shit from everyone. Reminds me of me. I ask Birdface if he wants to come along, and he jumps with joy at the prospect. A weird reaction, I thought, but what the hell. Maybe he’s downed a few on his shift already. That thought makes me like him even more.
Back on the citadel and Birdface and I have a deep and lengthy chat. Turns out he doesn’t like Pink Ranger either, even though his favourite colour is pink! I find him different from the other turians. He’s so sensitive, so compassionate, so…and then it hits me. I head down to the trader and pick out a set of custom-made, designer armour, as a sign of respect for also hating Pink Ranger. I then take it over to the Asari consort and have her dye it with brilliant hues of pink and fuchsia. Upon returning to the ship, I present Birdface with my gift. He squeals so loud that I think it shattered Pink Ranger’s visor. He even thinks the armour goes well with his facial tattoos. I figure the First Contact War would have been a lot easier if there were more turians like him.
Birdface watches my back in his sexy new threads.
Eager to break in his new plates, I take Birdface on my next mission to a skyway colony. It seems the colonists have all been infected by some kind of freaky plant thing, so I mow them all down and find the source of the problem. Turns out it is a freaky plant thing that also spits out asari clones. Birdface helps me kill the plant thing, breaking it’s mind altering spell over the asari. She thanks me, and I tell her to go and take refuge with the other colonists – conveniently leaving out the part about me slaughtering them. I give her a few days before she dies of dehydration.
Back on the Normandy I make ready to depart for the next mission. I have a chat to my pilot, Joker, about where he got his nickname from. He begins to tell me about how he has some hollow bone disease that makes it extremely difficult to walk without breaking his legs. I fail to see how that relates to his nickname, so I decide to give him a new one; Cripplefoot. I tell Cripplefoot to start the ship and get us undocked; he complies with a satisfying scowl. Heading down to the crew quarters I find Pink Ranger and tell her it would be nice if she kept Cripplefoot company throughout the flight, hoping that his disease is contagious.
Cripplefoot, angry about being crippled.
Arriving at our destination I gather the crew, dismayed at the sight of Pink Ranger still walking. Tasked with planting a nuclear device in a nearby facility, I figure there’s no way someone won’t die in the process, so I take her and Birdface along. The Salarians on site need one of my crew to head up their assault force; before he’s even done speaking I tell him to take Pink Ranger. The Salarian commander tries to tell me the odds of survival are grim, but I’m already out the door.
Sure enough, Pink Ranger gets pinned down as Cripplefoot flies in with the nuke. With no time to save both, I mute her comm channel and help Birdface setup the device and get back to the ship as we prepare to leave. A blinding flash, then a rush of heat as the explosion and shock waves expand below us, gradually fading from view as the Normandy passes through the first layer of clouds. Birdface breaks out the elasa and we down a glass of the intoxicating green liquid.
It’s tough being a girl. But it’s a lot easier when you’re the Queen Bitch of the Universe.
